名師點(diǎn)評(píng)學(xué)生BEC作文(2)
You work for PJT Ltd, a manufacturing company. You need more staff in your department and your line manager has asked you to write a report explaining why.
Look at the information below, on which you have already made some handwritten notes.
Then, using all your handwritten notes, write your report.
Write 120-140 words.
學(xué)生作文:
The purpose of this report is to explain why we need more staff in our department.
We compare the number of staff in our department between 2001 and 2003, it only increased five staff. But the average number of ordered units grow up from 200000 to 400000 between 2001 and 2003.
Our sales department has announced a big new order from an international company recently. It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. That means that we have more workload and less working days.
If we had more staff the order should be on time. We should save our company’s reputation. And the workflow will be improved.
作文解析:
BEC中級(jí)的大作文題型一般以寫(xiě)報(bào)告、書(shū)信為主,因此,這些??紗?wèn)題的具體格式必須掌握。英文商務(wù)報(bào)告的格式有五個(gè)部分組成,其中包括報(bào)告的Subject, Introduction (This report aims/sets out to……),F(xiàn)indings (it was found that), Conclusions(It was decided/agreed/felt that……), Recommendations (It is suggested that…..) 括號(hào)中是每段開(kāi)頭固定的表達(dá)方式,考生不宜自己去創(chuàng)造。同樣寫(xiě)信也有格式化的表達(dá)方式,再此恕不展開(kāi)。 和第一部分一樣,大作文的寫(xiě)作審題是第一步,所有給出的已知條件必須用足。
本文中:
1.考生的習(xí)文字?jǐn)?shù)恰當(dāng)。但沒(méi)有把報(bào)告應(yīng)有的四個(gè)部分寫(xiě)完整,這將導(dǎo)致大量失分。 在以上的習(xí)文中,考生表現(xiàn)出了不錯(cuò)的語(yǔ)言駕馭能力。
2.在審題上還有一些欠缺,比如 Another reason for more staff is that we will have fewer delays. 在題目中給出的已知條件中,有一份客戶(hù)的投訴信件,應(yīng)當(dāng)作為佐證被引用,否則order should be on time無(wú)從談起。
3.除了沒(méi)有按照?qǐng)?bào)告的固定格式外,考生語(yǔ)言太隨意。比如說(shuō),our sales department has announced a big new order,沒(méi)有出處,而根據(jù)文章中給出的已知條件,這是公司Newsletter所通告的,那么根據(jù)報(bào)告的要求,應(yīng)該指出信息來(lái)源。
4.中國(guó)學(xué)生還普遍特別敏感的就是企業(yè)的信譽(yù),因此經(jīng)常會(huì)看到學(xué)生動(dòng)輒就是喊口號(hào)的語(yǔ)言,比如說(shuō)文中We should save our company’s reputation. 這樣空洞無(wú)物的話應(yīng)該避免。
5.還有就是細(xì)節(jié)處理,句子和段落之間連接忽略了。比如說(shuō),It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. 以及最后一句話And the workflow will be improved.其中的and 這個(gè)詞用在這里顯隨意了些,可以考慮用Meanwhile 有“禍不單行”的意思。后面的And 應(yīng)該刪除。That means that we have more workload 這里兩個(gè)that離的太近,可以考慮把后面一個(gè)去掉,同時(shí)時(shí)態(tài)應(yīng)該是we will have。
范文:
Report on: More staff in our department
Date: 27.03.2004
Introduction
This report aims to explain why our department needs more staff.
Findings
Statistics show that there exists a big gap between the number of staff in our department and staff workload. While the number of ordered units grew up from only 200000 to 400000 in 2 years, the number of staff grew only by 5 people. According to the Staff Newsletter dated February 2004, we have won a big new order from an international company. That will bring us more work. At the same time, annual holiday has been increased to 5 weeks per year, meaning there won’t be enough staff for all the work. Our customer service department recently received a complaint from one of our clients about a tremendous delay in our delivery.
Conclusion
There are many reasons which explain the need of more staff. It is especially important for reducing the number of delays in delivery and to optimize the workflow.
Recommendations
More staff does not only mean more costs, it also means improved customer satisfaction.