Being engaged is all about going to cake tastings, being forced to have an opinion on centerpieces, and answering “how did you propose” about one billion times. Women expect to hear something romantic, like you swooped down on a flying unicorn and popped the question as you flew past the sunset. No one wants to hear that you asked her during halftime to order some more wings and/or marry you. Avoid looking like a completely douchebag by not proposing in any of the following ways.

Since it’s not the 1950′s anymore and out-of-wedlock mothers aren’t required to wear the scarlet letter, there’s no reason to pop the question just because she’s pregnant. Getting married won’t change the fact that a baby is coming and all your beer money is now going to be going into the diaper fund. Do the gentleman-like thing, ask for the kid to be named after you, write her a check for 18 years of child support, and get a vasectomy.

Despite what Hollywood may tell you, brides do not want you barging into their wedding, stopping the vows, and proclaiming your love for them. And I’ll tell you what, there are extremely high odds that she will say no. So have some class and save the big, romantic movie gestures for moments when they’re needed — such as when you ask your girlfriend to choose you over her wildly successful job.

It sounds romantically-cliche to propose via an engagement ring hidden at the bottom of chocolate mousse. In reality, it’s a subconscious death wish for your significant other. After all, if you were caught placing choke-able objects in someone’s food in any other situation, you would be arrested for attempted murder.

Going to a funeral naturally makes you freak out about your future. You’re wondering if you’ve done anything worthwhile with your life besides that 9 minute keg stand junior year of college. But your mid-life crisis is no reason to reach out to last week’s one-night stand and ask them to marry you. Instead of putting yourself on the fast track for a divorce, ask out the hottest girl at the funeral, and pray like hell you’re not related.

Deciding to get married is kind of a big deal. It’s up there with deciding what you should do for a living and what secret file name you should hide your porn under. So why put your girlfriend on the spot by popping the question in front of family and friends? Odds are she won’t want to say “l(fā)et’s talk about this later” in front of everyone. Instead you’ll get an awkward silence while she contemplates the question followed by a half-assed yes.

Just because everyone communicates in 140 characters or less these days doesn’t mean that you should propose via Facebook status. Nothing says I’m too lazy to get offline like an e-mail with the subject line “will you marry me.” And please don’t think adding in a clever kissy smiley face will help matters at all.

Isn’t there enough going on with women carrying around carnations and adult men dressed as giant baby cupids? There’s no need to add to the corniness of the holiday by throwing in a wedding proposal. The only exception to this cliche proposal is if you forget to get a gift and need to think of something in a hurry.